Don't Blink; You'll Miss It

In only 87 minutes, professional assassin Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) drinks more than his weight in caffeine, gets down and dirty with his girlfriend Eve (Amy Smart) in public, hangs from a helicopter, snorts cocaine, gets high on nose spray, trips on epinephrine, grabs a taxi, steals a motorcycle, robs a store, pays a visit to his boss, and gets in a few fights—while still managing to whack a few cronies along the way.

Chelios wakes up feeling less than perfect one morning only to discover—thanks to a conveniently placed DVD sporting the phrase “F*** You”—that a not-so-pleasant associate of his, Ricky Verona (Jose Pablo Cantillo), knocked Chelios unconscious and stabbed him in the neck with an injection containing a fatal concoction known as “The Beijing Cocktail.” Much to Chelios’ dismay, the cocktail wasn’t an alcoholic beverage, but a lethal poison that attacks his adrenal gland. Within the next hour, Verona says on the recording, Chelios will die.

In a matter of minutes Chelios smashes up his television, speeds out of the house, attempts to make a few phone calls, buys some cocaine from a past affiliate, Orlando (Reno Wilson), and starts up trouble in a bar even before Chelios discovers from one Doctor Miles (Dwight Yoakam) that the only way to suppress the injection is to keep up his adrenaline.

And there you have it: the first five minutes of “Crank”.

I doubt there is such a thing as “The Beijing Cocktail”—it seems more like the ultimate excuse to engorge this film with nothing but action, sex, blood, action, drugs, guns, action, action, and more action—not that this is necessarily a bad thing. Instead of waiting for that one climatic moment to hang off the edge of the seat, every precious second of this movie gives the audience an opportunity to grip onto that edge as hard as they can and go along for a very fast paced ride. Despite the negative associations with such movies that whiz right by it’s watchers, this pace fits “Crank” perfectly. The only way to keep up with Statham’s excellent performance is to pump up our own adrenaline with an intensely satisfying, and compatible mix of both action and humor.

Let’s face it: as much as some would admit to craving only full on, hardcore, never-stops-moving action, a movie can’t be successful without other important things, like, perhaps, a storyline? Thankfully, “Crank” gives us just that, although not a very complex one: (1) if Chelios stops moving, then he dies, so (2) every bit of action in this film is justified, and (3) to add to the suspense, we don’t find out why Verona attempts to kill him until later on, and (4) most importantly, after all this work (including illegal escapades) to stay alive, does Chelios live? If the action doesn’t keep you on your toes, then maybe the race for the antidote will. And if the sight of detached limbs or a needle to the arm make you cringe, don’t hide for even a moment, because the next scene is bound to create some laughs. There aren’t many people I’ve met who wouldn’t let out more than just a giggle if they saw a guy running at full speed down the street in nothing but a hospital gown on, not to mention a very amusing glimpse of Stathum’s rear end.

In the end, “Crank” may leave you out of breath, but these are 87 action packed minutes you certainly won’t forget.